One of my Vistage members
recently told me in a coaching session that he felt that he was the epitome of
someone who was trying to ”fake it till I
make it”. He said he didn’t feel that he knew what he was doing, and didn’t
have the schooling necessary to make the right decisions.
Most people would have been
surprised to hear that from him. He is quite successful by any objective
standards: highly profitable business growing at 20 – 30 % a year, great house
in a prosperous neighborhood, strong relationship, friends, family, dogs…
His statement reminded me of a
classic case of the impostor syndrome I experienced at a similar age. I was
working for a global French company, and had successfully completed three
assignments in Scandinavia, Taiwan, and Japan. I had been invited to do a stint
at head office in preparation for my next assignment in Germany.
I had arrived in Paris a couple
of days early, bought a new Pierre Cardin suit, and showed up in the office
bright and early on Monday morning. I met with the senior executive team, was
even introduced to the Chairman. Then, I was shown my temporary office for the
couple of months I was to spend there. The company has their own tower in La
Defense. They had given me a corner office overlooking the Place des Reflets!
Just as I stepped into the
office, I remember clearly thinking, “not
bad for a kid from a small town in Oregon”! Immediately following that
thought, I was absolutely paralyzed by an all-consuming fear that the next
person who came through my door would know that I had absolutely no reason to
be there. I was certain that they would recognize that I didn’t have a clue
what I was doing.
For the next half hour, I sat
frozen at my impressive, unfettered desk. All that ran through my mind was the
long list of reasons I shouldn’t be there: I never studied business; I didn’t
speak French; I started out as a dishwasher; most of the time, I was just guessing
what needed to be done…
I experienced what I later
learned was a true panic attack. Nothing made sense. Fear was everywhere. I
wanted only to escape, to hide where none of my great shortcomings would be
exposed. This was like the dream where you are naked in front of a crowd…except
this was no dream. All the clichés played out. I was in a cold sweat, heart
pounding, stomach cramping, adrenalin pumping, not a single coherent thought.
The impostor syndrome is a
well-documented phenomenon, studied in depth by Joan Harvey in If I’m So Successful, Why Do I Feel Like a
Fake? Studies of this syndrome claim that the two groups that are most
severely affected are teachers, closely followed by upper-level corporate
executives. The commonality seems to be the requirement to constantly have
correct answers to an impossible number of questions.
Certainly, in today’s chaotic
business environment, the challenge is exacerbated exponentially. With constant
and rapid changes in the political, financial, technological, and generational
aspects, running a business has never been more challenging. Yet, answers are
expected…demanded, by employees, vendors, customers, shareholders. What is
going on? What are your plans for the next 90 days? How are you going to meet your
deadlines? Where are you going to find the A+ players we need to survive?
Sitting at my desk, immobile, in
deep shock, I finally somehow began to breathe again. I started remembering why
I was here. I began to realize that it was true that I didn’t know what I was
doing. Nor had I known it when I took the job in Copenhagen…or Taipei…or Kobe.
Yet, somehow, they had all worked out. Reflecting further back, I realized that
I had never known what I was doing, that I had never been qualified for any job
I had taken. But I learned on the job, and either succeeded or failed. Either
way I grew and learned…and miraculously lived to do it all again.
My panic experience taught me a
valuable lesson, which I recall with frequency when dealing with outsized egos
in corporate braggadocio. The fact is none of us know what we are
doing. All of us are trying whatever makes the most sense at the time
with the available information. If any of the 16,000 business books in
publication had the formula, all we would need to do is to apply it. Life is
seldom that simple.
Amazingly, most of the time, things work out.
Sometimes, we have to start over. All we
can do is to keep on faking it. Eventually, we will succeed…or try something
else. Isn’t that what keeps life interesting?
